My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The best revenge is premature balding
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
