do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
