Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
