i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
