In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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