apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
