I wish life had little blips of pornography
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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