I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
