I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
