You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
