now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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