I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
