awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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