im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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