This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
