Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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