There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
