I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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