I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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