he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
