VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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