K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
