how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
