peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
