I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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