I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
