He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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