corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
