textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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