You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
