Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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