There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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