Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
