We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
