3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
