why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
