Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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