We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
