dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
