I wish they made helmets for livers.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
