smell my finger.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
