Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
