I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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