Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
