It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
