my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
