Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
