I just saw a hot homeless man
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
