Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
