My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
