: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
