I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
