sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
