"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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