I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
